How To Get A Job

Since the men in our society have abandoned the young I will step up.

I often forget that the lessons I learned coming up haven’t been passed down to the next generation. The basic life skills that we collectively gathered from the old heads have been lost to the sands of time.

This advice is for an emergency and only works at the bottom rungs of the job market. I cannot help you get your dream job or a job in an office at Evil Corp or whatever giant conglomerate you want to work for on the 30th floor. I just don’t have the experience to get into these places or hold these positions, so I am sorry. But I can help you if you just need to get to work.

The other day, I took my girl, whom I affectionately refer to as felonious felicia, to apply for a gig at a Perkins out by a truck stop off the highway. She was told, when she asked, that they were only hiring an evening-shift hostess, which, with my schedule and us having only one car, would not work.

She got all dejected, and I was kinda upset about wasting the $4.75 a gallon gas to drive the whole way out there, so I asked her if she just wanted a job. She was like of course. So I turned off the highway onto the local commercial drive and started stopping at each restaurant along the strip. I told her to go in and ask if they are hiring. At each one, she was told to fill out the online app and call back the next day.

She did so, and don’t ya know it, she got an interview at every one of the places.

Now, how was this accomplished in a world of LinkedIn retardation and recruiter nightmares? It is very simple when you show up at places that need workers who, on average, will last 2 months; they see a person with some gumption and find some hope that they might actually be a real worker.

There are some caveats to this. You need to dress appropriately: jeans, a T-shirt, and sneakers. There is no need to show up in a tie. I know I sound like a boomer, but making eye contact, smiling, and using manners is the best way. This will not work on top-end jobs, but it will work on the bottom side of jobs. You can get hired at Applebee’s, TGI Fridays, or Waffle House with these tactics. This is for emergencies to get into the job market when entering a new area or just starting out. This may mean taking a dishwasher job, a prep cook job, or a busboy job.

The reason this works in restaurants is that when you walk in and ask a hostess or waitress if they are hiring, they will go get a manager or assistant manager. This means you are already in the interview process before you fill out the application.

When it comes to retail jobs, walking in and heading to the customer service desk where they sell cigarettes and money orders is often the best way at a grocery store or large retailer. This is the place where you will find higher-end employees who actually have the manager’s ear.

It is always important to ask around to see if anyone in your family or among your friends has a job that is hiring and can put in a good word for you. This is usually the best and worst way to do things. It is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you are guaranteed to get a job. On the other hand, if they fuck up, you are tied to them, and if you fuck up, they are tied to you. I gave my buddy my job one time at a pizza shop when he was hard up and living on my couch. He decided to be an asshole and not take the job seriously (wearing ear buds on the grill or showing up drunk, starting shit with the other people), so they fired him and hired me right back. I never heard the end of it and lost credibility with the boss. But I will always hold loyalty to my brothers in arms above all else. Regardless of whether they can or choose to reciprocate, I will always hold the line.

When it comes to construction. This only works in residential remodels, roofing, or new buildings. If you walk past a construction site where guys are on a roof, holler up and ask if they are hiring. The worst they can say is no. If you go to a site, ask if they need a laborer from anyone you see. It is ok they may interview you on the spot or tell you to get lost. In some parts of the country, they may say “No habla ingles.” If that is the case where you are, you should move and get away. For instance, Texas. Fuck Texas and its garbage culture.

This is the most important piece of advice I will ever give anyone. A closed mouth does not get fed, and the worst thing they can say is no. The right yes may change your life. So don’t be afraid of no.

Anyway, I wanted to put this out here for ya’all. I hope it helps you out.